Entertainment at WalMart
by Cold Drake Queen
Summary: Ever have one of those times when you are bored stiff while shopping, or you have been dragged along against your will? We've all been there, so it's about time to have fun. R
1. Zack

Opening remarks: In this time of great shopping before the holiday. One must find fun things to do or you will go insane. So from my mind to yours, a few tips on passing the time while shopping.

Disclaimer: I do not own Walmart. Nor do I wish to. I do not own any character. Square Enix doesn't share. –pouts-

Warnings: Mostly language, a little violence, and maybe an innuendo here or there. Everything is safe.

Author's Idiocy: There are Walmart's everywhere, even in game worlds! It's freaky. They are everywhere, everywhere I say!

* * *

Zack watched lazily as Aerith picked out just the right painkillers. She had already picked 6 different boxes off the shelf, read them and put them back. It was getting mighty boring.

"Sweetheart can we hurry this up a little? There is a game on tonight and I don't want to miss it."

"Zack I'll be done in a moment. Why don't you find something to amuse yourself with until I'm done?"

And there was the kicker. What the hell did you do in Walmart to amuse yourself? He walked up and down the isles to get the creative juices running to his brain.

And then, right there in front of him was the solution. It was standing out like divine intervention.

A smirk passed over his face as he scooped up his articles and started to stalk around the store. He deposited them into random carts and walked away as though nothing had happened.

After his armload was gone he picked a nice general location and waited. And waited, and waited. He had almost feared that it wasn't going to work when…

"Daddy! I swear I didn't put them in there." Zack snickered; he remembered that sweet little girl and her overprotective daddy.

"You don't sleep with me anymore. Why did you get these? Who the hell are they for?" That would be the middle-aged couple that wouldn't even look at each other.

"Zack? Why do you have that goofy look on your face?"

"I'll tell you when we get home sweetheart."


	2. Vincent

Disclaimer: I do not own Walmart. Nor do I wish to. I do not own any character. Square Enix doesn't share. –pouts-

Warnings: Mostly language, a little violence, and maybe an innuendo here or there. Everything is safe.

Author's Idiocy: There are Walmart's everywhere, even in game worlds! It's freaky. They are everywhere, everywhere I say!

* * *

"What do you think Vincent?"

"I think the boy is too young to play with dolls."

"Vincent they are Action Figures!" Yuffie held one up. "See this one is you."

"I don't look like that."

"And LOOK! This one is ME!" She shoved the replica of herself into his face.

"Very life like."

"Oh and look here! It's your boy!" She unwrapped the small figure of Sephiroth and put him down on the floor. Looking behind her she grabbed the packaging of the Vincent Valentine Action Figure, unwrapped him and placed him onto the floor opposite Sephiroth. "Now you can kick your son's ass like you always wanted."

"Yuffie! You shouldn't be doing that." Vincent looked over his shoulder to see if anybody had seen her open the packaging. "Why don't you go find him an adorable sweater while I clean this up?"

"Ok," the adorable ninja jumped to her feet and danced around a bit. "He looks really good in blue."

Yuffie ran out of the isle like there was a Materia sighting, leaving Vincent to clean up her mess. He leaned over and picked up the ruined packaging and the dolls. Putting the packaging down he looked over both action figures. Yuffie was right. They were almost carbon copies of Sephiroth and himself.

A rare smile crossed his lips as an idea flashed through his mind.

Three hours later Yuffie was starting to wonder where Vincent had run off too.

"Vinny!" She called running up and down the isles. "Vi …" Pausing when she saw the sight in front of her.

Vincent had managed to set up a respectable army of Action Figures. And they were currently facing another army of equal size. The Sephiroth Action Figure lead one army and the Vincent Valentine Action Figure lead the other.

"Oh there you are Yuffie. Care to make a wager on who will win?


	3. Axel

Disclaimer: I do not own Walmart. Nor do I wish to. Nor do I own any character. Square Enix doesn't share. –pouts-

Warnings: Mostly language, a little violence, and maybe an innuendo here or there. Everything is safe.

Author's Idiocy: There are Walmart's everywhere, even in game worlds! It's freaky. They are everywhere, everywhere I say!

* * *

"Ariel, wait here, I'm going to go get the car."

"Ok, hurry Axel, It's cold out here!" The petite redhead rubbed her hands together to warm them up.

"Don't worry, big bro will be back before you know it." Axel walked in to the parking lot about four cars deep before it hit him. His beloved red car was missing.

So he turned to the nearest red coup and tried the key in the door. Unfortunately that wasn't his car. So he turned to a red sedan next.

Again that wasn't his car.

He stopped after checking his eleventh red car. Was his car even red?

So he decided to try every silver car he found while he kept checking every red car in the lot.

And still his search was turning up empty. He had managed to check over fifty cars, seven of them that had alarms, and still his car was missing.

So he started to check every car in the lot. But the key fit in none of them.

It was finally time to admit defeat and go back to Ariel.

He found her in the coffee shop having a hot chocolate. Talking to a tall brunette. The boy looked familiar, he just couldn't place him.

"Ariel," he said as he walked over to his little sister. "I can't find the car."

"Oh Axel, it's a good thing you brought me then or you would be stuck here until closing." She grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the doors. "See you later Eric."

Now he knew where he knew the boy! Eric was dating his little sister. He had that boy lined up for a beating. Seems today wasn't the day. He'll get Eric some other time.

"Axel, give me the keys."

"Ok."

Ariel pointed the keys out into the mass or cars and pressed the 'unlock door' button. When she did, the light lit up on a bright blue pickup truck illegally parked in the handicapped zone.

"And there you go," she handed Axel back the keys and hopped into the truck.


	4. Sephiroth

Disclaimer: I do not own Walmart. Nor do I wish to. Nor do I own any character. Square Enix doesn't share. –pouts-

Warnings: Mostly language, a little violence, and maybe an innuendo here or there. Everything is safe.

Author's Idiocy: There are Walmart's everywhere, even in game worlds! It's freaky. They are everywhere, everywhere I say!

* * *

Sephiroth looked over the items in his cart. Everything he needed and a few things he didn't. 

He started to pull thing out of his cart and laid them on the belt. Mentally running over the list again: knife sharpener, white kitchen towels, bleach, metal polish, matches, and condoms.

Condoms?

Sephiroth just shrugged his shoulders and put them on the belt too. Mother was being kind to him. It seems that by some divine intervention he would be doing a little more then mass murder tonight. And who was he to complain?

The nice woman behind the counter picked up his first item and scanned it.

"BEEP!"

The poor woman nearly jumped out of her skin. Shrugging it off she reached for the next item and scanned it as well.

"BEEP!"

She gave the General a funny look and grabbed the next item. She paused for a moment and then quickly scanned it.

"BEEP!"

"Sir could you not do that please?" Sephiroth could see her eye twitching.

"Do what?"

She shook her head and reached for the next item.

"BEEP!"

And then the next.

"BEEP!"

"SIR, THAT IS ENOUGH!"

"Nobody takes that tone with me." He pulled out his beloved Masamune, the seven-foot blade whistling in the air as he cut down almost every living thing within reach.

Sephiroth reached down and picked up a blood soaked rabbit at his feet. "Go free little friend. We will meet again when the world is ours!"

* * *

AI2: If you will all kindly take a trip over to my homepage and then to my deviant account you will find the object of the inside joke contained here in. Oh and notice how Sephy was a victim of Zack!


	5. Kadaj

Disclaimer: I do not own Walmart. Nor do I wish to. Nor do I own any character. Square Enix doesn't share. –pouts-

Warnings: Mostly language, a little violence, and maybe an innuendo here or there. Everything is safe.

Author's Idiocy: There are Walmart's everywhere, even in game worlds! It's freaky. They are everywhere, everywhere I say!

* * *

Everything was just so filly.

He didn't want frilly. If he wanted bows and streamers he would have asked Yazoo for help.

All he wanted was a plain black gift-wrap for his brother's presents. But all he could find were pinks, blues, flowers and the like. He picked up one of the rolls of paper and tossed it away.

"Hey that has a nice balance," he muttered to himself. Picking up another he swung it around a few times. "Very nice."

"Excuse me," a blonde woman behind him said in a soft voice. She was dressed in a rather nice business suit.

Kadaj noticed how fine she looked. And she almost screamed FBI. That was a major bonus. He loved strong woman.

"Sure." Kadaj took a step back and watched as the woman bent over to get a darker blue wrapping paper from the bottom shelf.

"The name is Kadaj."

"Elena," She stood back up and turned only to find the silver haired man blocking her way. "Please excuse me. I'm in a bit of a hurry."

Kadaj jumped back a foot or so and held the roll of gift-wrap at the ready. "Enguard!"

Elena rolled her eyes and took a step forward in the attempts to walk around. But Kadaj adjusted his stance and poked her in the boob with his weapon.

Annoyed Elena knocked the offending object away with her own roll of gift-wrap. But Kadaj was persistent and poked her in the boob again.

"Sir could you stop that?" Elena asked nicely.

"Stop what?" Kadaj kept poking her in the boob.

She just looked at if for a while and then growled and sprang forward drawing her holstered gun and pressing it to his forehead. "Listen, I'm in a hurry and have had a bad day, now, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Kadaj nodded once and she withdrew her gun from his face.

As she walked away Kadaj smiled and followed her out of the store like a lovesick puppy.


End file.
